Sonntag, 29. Januar 2012

First leg of my Journey: Omaha to Atlanta

Buddy. Budy. Bud E. Regardless of the spelling, I'm flying on a buddy pass from a gracious friend that works for Delta and despite my attempt to complicate it akin to the spelling of Gadaffi's name, I successfully boarded my first flight from Omaha to Atlanta, but it did not go without event.

As I entered the plane, I immediately knew I hated everyone on it. Not because they sucked or were bad at art or anything, but this was literally the tiniest plane in the world. I'm no Manut Bol, but my legs are sufficiently long that I usually don't use booster seats outside of the bedroom and I was absolutley crunched. It's hard to describe, but have you ever like tried sticking your dick in a shampoo bottle and it got stuck in an awkward position? me neither. That's needed here nor there. This plane would leave a quark wanting leg room and Gary Coleman would need to buy an extra seat if he planned on puffing out his cheeks.

Anyway, as I desperately tried to find solace in sweet slumber, I found my neck and head were much too high for the seat, so every attempt to lay back ended up in me bending backward over the seat like a human Pez dispenser. However, instead of sweet, monosaccharide-filled treats, I dispensed hatred and disdain for anybody who looked my way. I was Maximus Decimus Meridius staring down every chump that looked at me like they crucified my family.

It was inevitably the first day on the job of the appointed spokesperson of the Flight Attendant clan. As the patron saint of stuttering searched earnestly for a combination of words that would result in a coherent sentence, all I could picture was a black labrador tilting his head to the side and making that dubious "broolp?" sound. Which brings me to my next point. Do you think Scooby could have possibly been saying "Faggy" instead of "Shaggy" this entire time? I sure do.

Well, I ended up falling asleep, despite the rocking and my knees being wedged between the seats, but I woke up looking like this:

I awoke like a tranquilized lion in a cage surrounded by crafty zebras. After a large roar (or oomph) I was happy to hear that we would soon be landing, but it would be a bumpy ride on the way down. Now, I'm about to go on an international flight, so the last thing I need is Air Marshalls and the TSA on my ass, but I noticed when we landed that I had blatantly disobeyed the request to shut off any electronic devices. I'm not prepared to say whether it was an accident or an unconscious drive to make the flight attendant dead, but either way, people need to know I don't play no shit.

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